I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
