i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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