dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
