so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
