im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
