I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
