The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Even my vagina gasped.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
