just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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