We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
