please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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