the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
