I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
