I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
