The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
