I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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