Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
