i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
