I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
