Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
