Screwed.edu
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
