My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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