I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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