The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
