I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
