He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My ATM looks so different sober.
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
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it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.