The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
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thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
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You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.