I think i peed on brittanys purse
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
