Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
