I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Please don't give away my fajitas
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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