Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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