she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
