after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
