i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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