mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
