she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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