I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
