3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
PS: I just woke up from my shower
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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