i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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