tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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