her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
not ubering you a puppy
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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