i think i have two assholes
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
