Plan B is the new Plan A
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
