I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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