Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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