Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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