I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
