Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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