She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
