Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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