I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
