She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
