My first STD was from a foam party
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
