But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
