Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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