yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
