Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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